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| im no good anymore...no matter what i do or how hard i try im not any good for you. lately, yea, i have been kinda bitchy but i have been sick and tired and all i want to do is spend time with you but i feel like your more concerned about either being all over me, which is not what i want when im sick, or going to band practice. school is awesome and yet your bringing me down. i have a court date on wednesday...i hate myself. i wish that someone would just shoot me already. rob the store im working or shopping at and just fucking shoot me until im no longer alive or able to be helped. saw twilight with my mom last night...it was awesome. cant wait until the movie comes out on dvd. i cant wait for this year to be over. i cant wait for everything to be over. i have to get out of this house now and i cant cuz of school. im fucked. i give up... | | |
| i'm with someone every day and yet i still feel alone. things are getting better but nothing is right. i fucked over myself and my relationship and i no longer know who i am. love is horrible. honestly...if i could i would start over my entire life. all the things i fucked up or could have done better. i would be a better person today and not some whore that fucks who she wants because she thinks she can get away with it. i go by the main street bridge every day...and some days i wanna stop on it and just jump the fuck off of it. i hate myself. i hate what i have become. the worst part is...no one cares. everyone else has their own problems or they have grown up and have kids or work all the time...now no one cares. i tried...but i'm giving up now. | | |
| sometimes i worry about other people but most of the time i worry about myself. i worry that im going to die alone and unhappy...its already started. i make the best of what i have and i do my best to try and make it better but no matter how many things i buy myself or how many times i improve the apartment i still feel like im getting nowhere. i dont know what to do anymore and i certainly have no idea which direction to even start heading in...everything feels so wrong. the smile on my face is fake half of the time...nothing makes me smile anymore. im pretending because that is the only way for me to survive somewhat sanely in this life...why though? why do we go through so much shit? why cant things be easier? does anyone know?! probably not...because they are going through the same shit i am. | | |
| is it monday yet? i want to leave for the beach and never come back... my ankle is finally getting better...which is good. i need to go to physical therapy a couple more times but i think i can handle that. ive also decided men suck. you cant have the one you want and the one that wants you doesnt show it enough. i try to make things work but you are driving me fucking crazy...sorry but im not sticking around through the bull shit much longer. cant take it... fuck this... | | |
| this is an apology to the person who rightfully deserves it. i'm sorry that i fucked up and that things didn't work out. i'm sorry i was always a better friend than a girlfriend. i'm sorry i was never good enough for you. i'm sorry i never spent as much time with you as i should have. i'm sorry for telling everyone you were an asshole when in fact, i was the asshole. i'm sorry for treating you like shit and for not loving you for the person you are. i'm sorry for trying to change you and i'm sorry for anything else i may have missed. i just want you to know...i miss you. i still love you. as a matter of fact, my heart still belongs to you. all i think about is you and how i wish i could be in your arms again. i know i cant...but i can wish and hope and dream. i hope that one day we can forget our past and our differences and at least become friends. i'm not saying this must be tomorrow...but some time in the future. i hope you live a long and prosperous life and that you get anything and everything you ever would have hoped for. you will always be close to my heart...i told you that from the beginning to the day it ended, so dont forget that. goodbye my dear... | | |
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